


When autumn comes again

by flawlesshippings



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Adopted Children, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Boys Kissing, Canon Gay Relationship, Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Condoms, Couch Sex, Crying, Death, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Fluff and Angst, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, Holding Hands, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Language of Flowers, Lube, M/M, Men Crying, Pictures, Sex, Tears, True Love, Wedding Rings, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21834736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawlesshippings/pseuds/flawlesshippings
Summary: When autumn comes again, I hope you'll be in my arms again.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Dick Grayson/Wally West
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	When autumn comes again

**Author's Note:**

> Prepare yourselves for this wild ass ride of angst. Grab some tissues and water before you do though,don't say I didn't warn you. Also, this isn't edited yet, feel free to correct me if you want.

"Do you know how much I love you?" He could still feel the way his fingers touched his scalp, tugging on his silky smooth hair strands slightly, it was so relaxing. He could feel the other's clear, glowing skin on his forehead; the warmth of his body with the sheets that were entangled between them were a combination he didn't know he needed.

"What's up with you? Becoming a sudden romantic. Is it from the novels you've read? Mr Jason Todd." His immediate response was hysterical laughter, earning a small roll of the eye from the other. That cheesy sentence that was overdone in movies and love novels being asked by a guy like Jason was too damn hilarious.

"Just answer the question, could you?" A pinkish blush formed on the embarrassed man, his fingers brushing through the plump lips of his lover. A cheeky smile formed slowly on the ravenette,"Okay, okay..so demanding." 

"What if I said I don't know?" He continued to chuckle at the other's question, it wasn't what he would normally say, a frolic response since he was the mischievous type of guy. He released the weight from laying on the other man's thigh by raising his head up, a palm supporting his chin as he gazed dreamily at the other man.

"Well, I love you more than anything. Remember that." His eyes leaked happiness with the small curl of his lips with the soft, assuring words coming out from his delicate lips. The sunlight beaming in from the large glass panel framing his smile even more, the warm hues painted on his face like a canvas. It was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, the image would be branded in his memories, never to be forgotten even in his late years.

"I will. Forever." He leaned in for a kiss, a wide smile unable to hide even if he tried to. The joy he felt was so much he could feel himself almost combust. He loved him so so much. He promised him and himself, he fixed his gaze into the other's eye and looked at him with overflowing adoration.

He just wanted the world to stop, for time to stop it's tracks right now. So he could stay here longer, with him straddling the man, his arms draped over his neck and his head resting on his shoulder as the sheets underneath them grazed at their skin softly. Their breathing so steady, their hearts pounding so loud, and for once he could say that they were so in love, their hearts were beating in the same pace. He could feel the other's heaving chest and he loved every second of it.

If only they could be like this longer,

If only everything could be this simple.

If only you were still here.

.

He woke up with his chest heaving up and down rapidly, his forehead glistening because of perspiration. His throat felt raw and sore, the grogginess after his nap still lingering in his body. He tried to shake off the tiredness as he dragged himself lethargically into the bathroom to wash up for the date he had tonight, leaving the burned out cigarettes that were in the ashtray. The cigarette packet still messily placed there, crumpled,old pictures could be seen on the white surface.

That dream again? It's been so long.

The cold tiles under his feet was like a wake up call, the sudden cold sensation cleared up the fog in his mind a little. He flipped the tap on, as the hot water splashed onto his pale skin, his mind started to become more sharp. He scrubbed his hair and body clean within a few minutes, he wasn't really those obsessive cleaning freaks.

After the brisk shower, he wrapped his freezing body in a bath robe and stumbled into his narrow, oaken closet. His eyes scanning through each garment he owned, one particular one caught his eye. He picked the hanger and pulled through the stacks of clothes, a large black hoodie with a red hood and sleeves was revealed. His eyes narrowed, and he hesitated.

It was one of Jason's clothes, in fact, it was his favorite one.

A flood of memories washed through his brain, he could feel a wetness forming at the edges of his eyes. He held it tightly in his arms, that scent of timber and copper he recognized invading his nostrils and the evocations gushed even harsher. He held the urge to cry, he had to control his emotions; no way he was going to a date with a stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes.

Maybe it was his selfishness, maybe it was because he loved the style of the hoodie, he decided to put it on and go out in that. In his mind, he was bringing a little piece of the man with him. It felt comforting and he felt his heartache soothe a little.

He stood in front of the mirror, his own reflection staring right at him. The apartment was quite dimly lit and it was approaching evening as he heard the traffic outside gradually slow down. He sucked in a huff of air, he would compliment him if he was here, heartwarming praises would spill from his lips as he would literally reassure a diffident him repetitively like a broken record.

He smiled as he reminisced about the past, but not for long though, the shrill sound of his phone cut his thoughts in half. He flurried as picked up his phone.

"Hello?" He didn't bother to look at the screen as he recognized that deep, husky voice. 

"I'll be waiting for you at the flower shop, is it ok? I'll be arriving in about 15 minutes." Registering all the information, he hummed in agreement and said his farewell before ending the call. He had walked out of the bathroom back to the living room which was a little of a mess, some magazines scattered on the floor and visible cigarettes on the surface in front of the window.

He neared the cigarettes and picked up the brightly colored packet, some graceful lines on the sides with aesthetically pleasing wordings. It was his favorite brand, he thought to himself. He sat on the plain white surface and laid against the frame, some raindrops outside the window coming into his vision. This was the only place he liked in his lousy apartment, because of the more decent view of the city and also...

Well, he could always see him hanging out here in the past. With that pack of cigarettes he would always clutch in his palm, occasionally a book that he had picked up from the bookstore down the streets.

He lit up one, breathing in the toxic substance into his lungs. It was a bad joke, he thought to himself. He recalled of his memories, where he would get angry when he saw the younger male smoking. He would give the longest lecture, and it would usually end up with Jason giving up on fighting back and trying to appease a cross Dick. He recalled the lazy make-up sex later and he really missed those days.

"Huh, funny how life works, doesn't it?"A mocking tone he voiced it, saying it to no one in particular. So fucking ironic he thought. Before stubbing the cigarette into the ashtray, he took one long sip; it burned his throat but he was slowly growing numb to it. He stood up and reached for one of the crumbled pictures that laid there, a loving gaze fixed on the person smiling widely in that picture, he planted a small kiss.

"I'll be home soon. Love you Jay." He said so naturally as it rolled off his tongue, the door clicked after he swung it shut and locking it after.  
He dialed a long line of numbers before pressing the call button, he took the stairs down since the elevator was out of service. He cursed under his breath when he saw the disgusting gunk that had formed on the railings, he was leaving this hell hole sooner or later.

"Hello? Babs? I'll be picking up Kylo tomorrow morning, just checking in with you." It was his babysitter, Barbara. The young woman on the other side could be heard with the prattles of a baby in the background, yeah it was definitely his son alright," Sure, Ms Todd. Kylo is in good hands, I promise."

Ms Todd huh? It kinda stung.

"Thank you so much, bye." He hung up the call, continuing his way down the filthy staircase. The mold on the handles made him want to vomit, it had a putrid stench of urine and he wanted nothing more than to escape this shit of a place. He swore he would move out after he had enough money, it definitely wasn't a good place to raise his baby.

He exited through the main entrance of the building, his walk consisted of soft footfalls and the sways of his hips, attracting some unwanted catcalling. Rolling his pupils back, he passed the men with his head up and proud. A scenario popped in mind, he thought of if he was here strolling down with him, he would've tried to start a fight with the guys back there. Well, it's just him. A hotheaded, aggressive dork that can't really deal with his emotions for the life of him.

The smell of freshly oven baked confectionery invaded his nostrils, filling them with the mouthwatering scent of deserts. He imagined crunching down on the sugar-filled buns and cake, his stomach grunted in disapproval, it was like he could taste them through their smell. A small smile creeped up his face, a sudden memory flashed up about that certain someone.

He reminisced about the days where he would take a stroll down this lean pavement, his fingers entangled between Jason's, they would be talking about some randon shit like aliens existing and small laughter and genuine smiles would be present in their dumb conversations. He could imagine Jason dragging a exhausted him inside the bakery, grabbing breads and biscuits that were enough to last them a month before going home to their cozy apartment.

The sides of his lips curled up at that happy thought as he continued his way down the pavement. The fresh flowers displayed up front at the flower shop catching his attention, it was this particular bouquet that really caught his eyes though, the ones that were painted a elegant violet.

It triggered some memories of his, those purple flowers were the ones Jason had got him on that special day, the day he would never ever forget, the day where that empty space on his right ring finger became occupied with that silver, stainless ring.

That day was an ordinary day, the regular crimes and cases to solve, he remembered almost pulling his hair out because of one clue he could never seem to find. That day with his officer uniform that was tucked in the inner depths of his closet now, he downed a cup of coffee before focusing back on the documents splayed neatly in his desk.

He never really got to process what was going on when he was suddenly peeled away from his office chair by his barging co-workers, unexplained excitement and anticipation radiating in their faces that he didn't understand. Before he could protest about wanting to finish his work, Jason was in front of him with a bouquet of flowers, the exact ones he saw in the flower shop; he was in front of the department. Confusion set in as Jason basically shoved the flowers in his arms, his beige leather jacket making squeezing sounds from the sharp movements.

"What are you doing here Jay? I'm not done with work an-" He never got to finish his sentence before he felt wet,warm heat in his lips, Jason cupped his face slightly before breaking the chaste kiss. He could hear some fangirling in the back and he remembered being so humiliated.

Maybe it was the dreamy eyes that Jason was oh so lucky to be born with, or maybe it was because he was sleep deprived, but when Jason kneeled down with one leg and with a sparkling ring appeared in one of his palms, he just couldn't hold back anymore. He remembered the gleam in his eyes and his erratic heartbeat that was so loud that he could hear it when the man of his dreams was confessing his undefying love to him whilst proposing for his hand in marriage in front of all of his colleagues.

"So what will it be, officer Dick Grayson? My legs are giving out babe, it's freezing." Jason being himself, painfully hilarious and whimsical, he just had to say that, making a tearfilled Dick punch him lightly in the shoulder before accepting the proposal. The crowd of people gathered there cheered and screamed when the two embraced eachother, slipping on the sliver band on each other's fingers.

He swore he was the luckiest and happiest man alive and he would stand true to that again when they adopted Kylo. For a long time, he thought it would stay this way, with this small family they built together, living and raising Kylo as a couple till they were of withering age. He had everything he wanted, his gorgeous husband with their adorable son, it was all enough for him.

But how long could things stay that way?

Dick didn't want to know but the harsh pang of reality hit him real hard, it was like life played a joke on him, punching him right where it hurts the most. His family, his husband.

The pungent stench of copper that resembled of blood was still so vivid he could still smell it every time he recalled that particular day, it felt like it just happened yesterday. The strikingly familiar face that laid against the cold tiles of the floor, the yellow lines of police tape wrapped around the site and the empty teal eyes of the victim that he knew all too well. The feeling of his heart breaking was overwhelming when he arrived at the crime scene, of all people that were at the bank that night, he had to be Jason. He couldn't and didn't want to believe it, standing there solid with his stiff shoulders; just staring helplessly at the corpse.

He could only squeak out a sentence,"J-Jason?"

His rationalizing skills were gone with the tears escaping the sockets of his eyes, the rain blured his logic as he couldn't differentiate if the water on his face was his own tears or raindrops. He couldn't hear his colleagues comforting words, neither could he hear his own sobs, he could only hear that voice in his heart, screaming at him.

It was all your fault.

If you hadn't told him to retrieve some cash for you, he would've been alive right now. In the apartment with Kylo, sitting in front of the TV waiting for you to come back home.

It would've been so much easier if you were the one who was dead, Jason could've told Kylo that you died with pride while you were crime fighting. But now, how are you supposed to explain to a kid that his father's dead because he got mugged?

He remembered the tight grip around his arms as he collapsed into one of his colleagues chest, his sobs getting more and more loud to the point that he was shouting. He was in so much pain that no one could ever feel, he felt like his heart was getting ripped out of his chest, his eyes could not stop watering. He lost Jason that night, but he lost himself too.

After that incident, he quit. He even broke all contact with his ex co-workers. It wasn't personal, it's just that they were just unfortunate to be painted in the portrait of Jason's death. Dick didn't want to deal with the grief when he saw them, they reminded him of that stormy night that he wanted to forget. Slowly, he lost his friends and social life, leaving him alone and lonely. He lost his smile, he never cracked a single grin even, there was always clouds of sadness in his face. He lost his heart, he no longer felt love, it was like his heart was sucked out after that night, his passion and energy all sucked out of his now frail frame.

Life has to go on, even if he didn't want to, he thought.

"May I help you with anything, kind sir?" The honey-like voice scared him, making him jump and reverting back to reality. A shop worker with leaf-brown hair that plunged over her shoulders, a beige,a worn-out apron draped over her narrow shoulders that fitted her, some light makeup to highlight the soft contours of her face as Dick studied her appearance. 

"Oh. What are those purple ones there?"He pointed at the bunch of flowers, the petite woman hummed a tune as she reached her arms to retrieve the flowers.

"These are bellflowers, also called balloon flowers. They symbolize gratitude and everlasting love." He could feel the edges of his eyes water a little bit, these were the ones on the day of the proposal. Jason was so thoughtful at picking out the flowers.

"Please come again soon." He fiddled with his pockets and paid for the flowers, walking out the wooden shed that was the flower shop. The shopkeeper greeting him goodbye as she kindly opened the door for him.

The cold air hit him in the face which he wasn't really fond of, he had gotten used to the comfortable warm temperature in the flower shop. He glanced at his watch with a band of leather, it was almost eight. He snapped his head around to find the man that was his date, and damn sure he was there with his flashy car.

"Hey." The man that was of muscular build and almost a few inches taller than him pulled over and got out of the car, a half-smile plastered on his face with some of his messy ginger bangs covering his mesmerizing set of eyes. Dick scanned the man, he was wearing equally casual clothes with a white crew neck layered with a padded jacket to block out the winds, some black jeans that wrapped around his thighs perfectly and black shoes with gracefully ivory lines on the sides. Despite the casual attire, the man looked out together, the pieces looked like they belonged. Well, maybe a determining factor was because the man was also relatively handsome,making him look effortlessly attractive. He could tell the man was kinda nervous too. With the way his sweaty palms was going through his hair every millisecond. He knew the man's stomach was churning with anxiety and he tried to calm him down the best he could, flashing a smile back at him for reassurance.

The man opened the door of the car door to let Dick in for the gentleman he was, Dick entered the vehicle and thanked him shyly. The heater blasting out puffs of hot air right into his face which was so much more comfortable than the chilly environment outside.

"So, how was work?" Dick asked casually, making eye contact at the other male who's hands were on the steering wheel. He smiled,"Well, it was pretty boring if I got to say. But thank you for the flowers, you didn't have to."

"Just a little gift for our first date." Peeking a glance at the bouquet of flowers that were wrapped in silky pink ribbon. A flower that reminded him of his ex husband? Wonderful choice for a first date.

They made some small talk before completely falling back into a mutual, awkward silence. Dick felt a hand shifting onto his, lightly brushing the back of his palm, the comforting warmth on his hand. He let out a chuckle and grabbed the other's hand, earning a shocked gasp from the male.

Memories flooded his mind like a unstoppable wave, he remembered one of those nights where they would speed off to somewhere quiet and peaceful,where they could catch a view of the gleaming lights that lit up the entire city, the little hill on the other side of town was their secret hideout. Some standard beer and junk food with an astonishing location with beautiful scenery was enough for a enjoyable night. Nights of laughter and drinking were spent there, sure, they couldn't afford to spend time in a fancy, expensive restaurant downt the street, but back then it was enough.

"One day, when we get married, I want to get a car. So, we can ditch my old ass bike and go anywhere without worrying about the shitty weather." Jason promised him with a peck on his cheek, he smiled and quirked about something else.

Look at him now, in a lavish car that Jason could never save up to afford. He fulfilled his dream, but it didn't feel right. It was missing something important, making it incomplete and empty.

It was missing Jason.

What is the point of this, if you're not here with me?

If it had to be like this, he would've preferred the shitty bike of Jason's. Riding behind him with his arms wrapped around his waist, his head falling against his broad shoulders, filled with a sense of security and anticipation for adventure when they took off with a bang. Deep in his heart, he knew he would be safe even if he felt it was a little fast, Jason would be riding safely with him.

His mind wandered to more places before the sudden halt of the moving car snapped him back to reality. The kind gentleman opened the door and let Dick out of the car as he entangled his fingers together with Dick's. It was one of Dick's favourite restaurants, the one that made finger licking burgers. They got seated at one of the tables near the window; Dick loved gazing outside. After finishing their orders, the pair tried to strike up a conversation.

"Cool hoodie. The red really brings out the blue in your eyes." The compliment made Dick's blood go cold, he smiled dryly.

"Thank you. You're not too bad yourself." A stale, tasteless smile on his face accompanied the reply. That was exactly what he had told Jason when he first wore the hoodie too.

They indulged in the juicy burgers after some swift, light-hearted conversation. The restaurant was located in the centre of the city, so it was rather busy and noisy with so many people. Majority of the customers were of working class, going for a snack after a tiring day of work. They were munching on them so aggressively like it was the first time they ate, some juice leaking at the sides of their lips to their jaw.

Dick loved this place really much, it had the best burgers and the place was constructed aesthetically. The walls painted a bright, energetic yellow with many decor lining the sides and centre of the room, the lighting was of neon blue and pink, spelling words with them. The atmosphere was calm and laid-back too.

They left for Dick's apartment after the dinner. The radio was playing some generic pop music, filling in the void of silence; Dick broke that silence with a offer, "Wanna stay the night?"

The man taken slightly aback, accepted, although his tone was filled with uncertainty and unsure. He knew what he meant, "Sure."

He was only playing a part of filling in the void in Dick's loneliness, he was nothing to Dick, easily replaced and disposed of, another play toy for him to maybe socialize and engage in his sexual tendencies. Dick had that big hole in his heart that no one could fill, he knew how to numb the pain though, with the only way he knew worked temporarily.

Sex.

.

The place reeked of cigarettes and post-sex sweaty odour, the room a mess now due to pieces of clothing all around the wooden floor, the small desk in the living room was turned upside down. Dick was laying against the window frame with a cigarette, looking out the window depressingly. White sheets draping the tiny frame of his body, he didn't care nor feel the coldness of the air.

With no lights turned on, the light from outside the unblinded glass shone into the room, lining each nook and cranny of the two men in the room. One significantly more tired and sleepy than the other, who was asleep in the couch with the blankets Dick fetched, small snores could be heard briefly. Some torn packets of condoms and lube placed messily on the carpet in front of the couch that Dick would clean up later.

The charming smile of Jason in that crumbled picture made Dick's heart break. All of the emotions gushed up at once, it was overwhelming and he finally lost control.Tears gushed out like a broken dam, the repressed feelings bubbled up as he sobbed ever so quietly.

He still loved Jason so fucking much. It was undeniable. He would never erase anything about him, he knew he would never ever get over him. His heartstrings were tugged even more when he realized he was all alone now, with no one to come comfort him anymore.

Why are you so cruel to me?

Why did you leave all these memories with me?

But left me alone to soak up all the tears myself?

You left me.

And I still love you.

The two rings on the pictures caught Dick's attention, the diamonds sparkling in the bright lights. He picked one of the rings up and looked at every little detail of the ring. The initials that were engraved in the inside hoop of the ring, they were all so precious for him, nothing could be exchanged for the pieces he had left of Jason and their marriage.

"Do you Mr Richard John Grayson take Mr Jason Peter Todd as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Jason's slicked back hair with the suit that wrapped him in all the right places was something he could never forget. The white bands and hoards of flowers decorated the chruch walls, the sunlight beamed into the gigantic colored glass panels, soft hues painted the walls like a portrait. He whispered to himself, slipping on the metal band, "Yes, I do."

"Do you, Jason Peter Todd, take Richard John Grayson as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" The captivating, genuinely filled with joy Jason let out the most breathtaking laugh when he heard that. He mimicked his tone and whispered, "Yes,I do." Slipping Jason's ring onto his other ring finger.

He slumped into his shoulders, folding and hugging his knees. It was too much, he missed him so much. He sometimes wished he was dreaming, and that all of this was just a nightmare, that he would wake up with Jason in their bed and he would be there comforting him and reassuring that he was alive, that he could feel the heat of Jason's body again..

His heart wrenched as he stared into the picture again. It was torturing him, carrying the burden of his death everywhere. He picked up the hoodie on the floor, hugging it tightly in his arms as the tears stained the black fabric wet.

"I will always love you, Jason. Just like you said you would love me." The night carried on longer than Dick remembered it to be, he couldn't sleep and he wasn't planning to either. He just hoped that when the sun comes up from the horizon and new dawn has risen; when the seasons greet him another year, the overbearing pain and emptiness would drain out from his body and slowly fading away as time does it's magic. He could finally let Jason rest in peace then.

When autumn comes again, I wish to see you again,

In that favorite brown leather jacket that you always have around you,

With your messy jet black hair with some exceptional ivory ones,

With that smug face that you always wear and the cockiness and sass that you confidentially have

And with that smile that I know so well.

I would embrace you and promise to you that I'll never let you slip through my arms again.

I would crave to feel your warmth till the end of time.

When autumn comes again in another day,

I hope that by that time,

You will be mine again.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo,how did that go? If not so well, lemme give you a hug buddy(⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃ to ease a broke heart,I would recommend you take a look at my other works that are heavily based on fluff! I hope it'll make you feel better. Also, being the generous person that you are, would you mind clicking the kudos button? Don't be shy to leave comments,I love reading and replying them. Thank you for reading!


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